What is a judgement-free space?

A one-on-one coaching conversation with a life coach takes place in a 'judgement-free' space. It is a space where you are not judged on what you say based on the values the listener, the coach, holds. I would like to think about what it means to be judgement-free once again.

In casual daily conversations with family and friends and professional conversations with colleagues and superiors, truly judgement-free conversations are actually very rare. This is what I realised during the coach training programme.

We may not usually think about whether we are being judged or not during such everyday conversations. That means, perhaps, we are usually unaware of the impact, on us, of being the object of someone else's value judgement.

For example, you tell a family member or friend about an incident at work that somewhat bothered you, they respond to you:

"What is that?!"

"Oh, you said that?"

"You should have responded in this way..."

"It's only natural for people in your position to be talked to like that."

These seemingly innocuous responses may have a judgmental element, as written in red below. Depending on your mood and state of mind at the time, the judgment may have a significant impact on your mind.

"What is that?!"

(Isn't there something wrong with your workplace where such a thing happens?).

"Oh, you said that?"

(Shouldn't you have not said that?)

"You should have responded in this way..."

(Why didn't you say it back? You have to be stronger!)

"It's only natural for people in your position to be talked to like that."

(It's your fault to be in such a position at work. If you don't like it, why don't you change the job?)

If this kind of judgement is hidden behind the response, you, the recipient, may feel disappointed (even if you don't realise it), a little hurt and maybe even wish you hadn't shared anything with them in the first place.

One of the great strengths of a coaching conversation is that, first of all, you have someone who listens to you, from start to finish, without being interrupted, and you get a sense of clarity and satisfaction from talking.

What, that's all there is to it? You may think. Yes, that is it. But in our busy modern lives, it is very rare to have 45 minutes to an hour of conversation to express what is on your mind as much as you want.

And your conversation partner is a life coach, for whom listening is an important skill. Any value judgements the coach may have as an individual are left outside of the conversation space. In this kind of environment, the speaker can be at ease and able to concentrate on putting their thoughts into words.

We have thoughts that are in our minds, not just on the top of our conscious mind but also in our subconsciousness. Thoughts in our subconscious mind may be something we can only recognise when we put them into words. Through the process of trying to answer the questions from the coach, the subconscious thoughts are brought out to the surface. Through verbalisation of these thoughts, they come to your awareness.

In the middle of a coaching conversation, a client sometimes says:

"Oh, I forgot as I was talking... what was the question?"

They say so as if to apologise for having forgotten the question that I asked. But in fact, I feel pleased inside. It is because the client's reaction actually shows the coaching conversation has been going well.

As they looked into their own mind to answer the question I asked, and as they put them into words, more and more things came up, and they were all connected, but the first question suddenly slipped out of their mind.

Then I would say this to the client:

"The question was this... as you tried to answer the question, different issues all came up. How are these issues connected?"

The coaching conversation progresses with further questions like these.

It is not easy to look inside yourself with an open mind if you are being bombarded with judgmental remarks by your conversation partner. These remarks are like balls that you have to catch or avoid. It is natural for you to be conscious of and focus on how to toss the balls and how to receive or throw them back.

**********

"This happened to me at work. I said this to my boss, and it felt good at the time, but ever since then, it's been kind of stuck in my mind."

When you say this, a life coach would react in the following way and proceed with the coaching conversation with further questions.

"You told your boss something, and that had been bothering you for some time. That should have taken a lot of courage to say that to your boss. I am glad for you to have taken the first step. On the other hand, something about what you said seems to be bothering you. What is it that is bothering you? How do you feel when you think about that?"

I hope I have clarified, to some extent, why a coaching conversation is said to be a 'judgement-free' space.